Reflections with a vodka shot
by StekaCullen
Summary: One-shot, song-fic based on Rihanna's Rehab song, set in New Moon. Bella's not such a good-girl anymore, she started to drink to get over her depression. But one day, a song starts playing, and it doesn't amuse Bella. First fic, give it a chance.


**A/N: I don't own Twilight or its characters or the song. But I wish I'd own Robert, he's welcome at any time in my life.**

**

* * *

  
**

I took a seat in the end of the bar. As I slowly raised my head, the bartender showed up, with the same sad smile he gave everytime he saw me. It was routine.  
"The usual, right?" I didn't say a thing, all I did was nod my head and look back down. I didn't feel like doing any other gest. There was no reason for it, the only reason I ever had was _gone_. And that's why I'm here. "Here you go. Double shot of vodka."  
For someone that never drank before, I started quite rough with the shots of vodka. I took a sip. I shouldn't be here, _he_ wouldn't aprove it. But _he_ wasn't here for me, so what's the point on being a good girl? Even though, if _he_ was here, I wouldn't be drinking. I would be there, with _him_, holding tight on _him_, afraid of _losing_ him. _How ironic_. Why did he go? I could be happy right now, with Edw... _Enought, Bella_. Ok, let's try to think of something else.  
I payed attention to my surroundings: people talking, glasses slamming on the tables, cars passing outside, music... Oh, fuck. _Music._ I tried to stop listening to the song, but I couldn't stop paying attention to it. And it didn't feel nice.

_Baby, baby, when we first met,  
I never felt something so strong.  
You were like my lover and my best friend,  
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it._

We were so happy together. You were - are - perfect, and me... Well, I was... Bella. Ever since the day we met until that last day in the forest, and today, and _forever_... I loved you with my entire being. I never, **ever**, felt something so strong. Your and your family's secret is safe with me, but then why, oh, why did you make me fall so damn in love with you? It was all so beautiful. Me and you, you and me, us...

_And all of a sudden, when you left,  
I didn't know how to follw, it's like a shot,  
That spun me around and now my heart left.  
I feel so empty and hollow._

Why did you go? Why did you ever say "good bye"? Did you really have to take my heart with you? I don't know what to do anymore. I've got nobody to go to. I've got nowhere to go. I've got no place to stay. I've got no one to turn to. I've got no one to love. I've got no reason to _live_. Ever since you left I've been struggling to breathe, I've been trying to hold myself together whenever something reminds me of you. _Unsuccessfuly, I might add._ I wonder if anyone ever thought that and empty shell could cry, bleed and beg for death - just to end the pain. Well, there's actually no need to imagine it. This is the spoken picture of me...

_And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you.  
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me, do you?  
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back,  
And you're the one to blame._

You told me to move on. You told me to live as a normal human should. You told me to be happy, get over you, forget all that we've been through. But you didn't told me how to do so. How could I ever live my life when it's all about you? Believe me when I say I tried, but I _just can't do it without you_. I've never seen someone's life be affected so bad by another someone. I never even thought it was possible, but trust me, it **is**. And now... Now not even a miracle could make me smile... No, scratch taht. And now not even a miracle could make me _live_ again...

_And now I feel like, oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking,  
I don't wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more.  
I guess this is what I get for wishful thinking,  
I should've never let you into my door._

Now that you're gone, I have a new addiction. A bad one, for that matter. I drink _every single night_. It's part of my daily routine. But I don't want to do this thing anymore. But there's no way to stop, because if I do, I'll keep thinking of you. And if I keep thinking of you, I may do things to end my suffering, my misery, my disgraceful existence, my useless life. Or whatever it is that I'm in right now. I rather think this is some kind of awful nightmare that I'm forced to be in. But that actually, you are right there, by my side, in my bedroom, on the bed. But I know it's not true. I know that you are really gone, and that you don't want me anymore. Maybe, just _maybe_, if I hadn't let you get so damn close to me, I wouldn't be suffering so bad right now, but I can't even be sure of that - I'm not even sure I'll make it through the night -, because I never saw being without you as an option...

_Next time you wanna go on and leave,  
I should just let you go on and do it.  
It's not amusing like I believe._

The worst part of it is that I keep waiting for you. My window stays open every night, becausa I hope - _still do_ - that you're gonna come into my room and hold me tight again. And I do my best to stay awake, I don't wanna sleep, it's not safe. My dreams, that were once a sacred place with you on it, are now just another place for me to suffer. I don't seem to run fast enought, and you always leave. Again, and again, and _again_. Why can't you leave once and for all? You told me you'd go, but you're still here in my mind. Your presence still lingers here. Is it amusing to see me like this? Can't you _understand_ that I cannot forget you? You're part of me, dammit...

_It's like I checked into rehab, and baby, you're my disease.  
It's like I checked into rehab, and baby, you're my disease.  
I gotta check into rehab, 'cause baby you're my disease.  
I gotta check into rehab, 'cause baby you're my disease._

Charlie even sent me to a doctor. The doctor said I was almost _catatonic_. Then, he sent me to a shrink. I never said a word to him. I couldn't. Charlie tried to take the matter in his own hands, but all I did was tell him I was fine. _Pointless_, he didn't believe, but didn't insist either. Finally, he called Reneé, in an attempt to send me back to Jacksonville. Which caused a _huge_ fight between us. I can't get away from here, if I go to a sunny place, how will I ever be sure that you were real? That was the first night I actually went out to drink. It wasn't right, I know. But still, it kept me high enought to stop thinking about the fact that you're gone, that you don't want me anymore, that you never truly loved me... It makes me feel ok for a while, you know? But just a little while...

_Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept?  
You'd do anything for the one you love.  
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there,  
It's like you were my favorite drug._

We were in love. Well, at least _I_ was. I would do anything for you, love. Anything at all, fuck. Even now that you're gone. If you asked for my help, I would let **everything** go just to go after you. I'd go all around the world just to help you. I would deal with the pain of losing you again by myself, no need to worry with this. But if I could only see you again, if I could just be sure that you were real, that you cold skin did touch me, your golden eyes did look into mine, your marble lips did kiss mine, your voice was really here, whispering words in my ear, that your voice isn't just in my mind. And... You know what people say about every being having its favourite addiction? It's true. _You_ are my favourite drug, the one that I'd die for another shot, the one I'd kill for, the one that will never get out of my sistem...

_The only problem is that you was using me,  
In a different way that I was using you.  
But now that I know it's not meant to be,  
You gotta go, I gotta win myself over of you._

But even with all my love for you, you used me, love. Now I wonder if I was just a tool to amuse you. I used you - _yes, I did_ -, but I used you as someone to love, to adore, to live for. So I _need_ to know, was I just a fool to entretain you? To give you something to do in your existence? Was I? If I was, now that you're gone - phisicaly only -, why can't you go away? I promised I would get better, I would take care of myself... But you, you promised to go, to never bother me again, you said it would be as though as you have never existed. You even took the material evidence of your existence, but have you ever stopped to think that these were the most _insignificant stuff_? I have you in my _mind_, I remember every single word you told me, every moment we spent together. I won't forget you, love. I don't _want to_. Ever. Trust me, I tried to get over you, but I can't! I don't want to. You made me happy, you made me feel complete, you and me. We... We were one...

The rest of the music kept playing, but I wasn't able to understand the words any longer. I had drank three more doses during the song. And I was crying. The bartender didn't even bother to ask why anymore, I never answered and it only made me cry harder. _He was gone._ There was no reason for breathing. _He left me._ Why should I keep my promise when his was already broken? _He didn't love me anymore._ I layed my head on the counter top and closed my eyes while tears streamed down my face. I could feel the alcohol starting its effect. I wanted to _die_. But I couldn't, I promised him. And all I could think about right now was _him_. His looks, voice, gests, scent, everything... Won't he come back to me? Won't him? _I love you, and I thought you were my destiny._ _Won't you come back? Please, love._ I started to feel dizzy because of the alcohol, the sounds weren't making sense, and I shut my eyes tighter. _Make me happy again. I miss you so badly, Edward._

* * *

  
**A/N: One more thing, it's my first fic, and it's really short, I just had nothing to do at school and wrote it. And please, _review_! I don't care if you liked, love or hated. Just say it, people. Thanks. :)**


End file.
